Each day I wake up wondering how I am going to make it through the day. And at night I wonder if it’s my last. The pain is excruciating and the guilt of what I’m putting my family through is overwhelming. But I continue to fight on. Trusting that this too will pass. I find myself reading Psalms 71 over and over again, for in my lifetime Yahuah my Elohim has proven to be my doctor when I am weak. I give my all over to Yahuah and ask for healing from this debilitating disease and ask that he guides those that I entrust for medical care.
I have to see a neurosurgeon in July about scheduling surgical procedures on both my C-spine and my L-spine. Both areas are affecting my nerves and spinal cord. Scared? Yes I am, because of the possibilities of paralysis. Right now I am truly dependent on my family support for what many might take for granted; and also a walker to get around. I am looking into acquiring help for my entrance to be made handicap accessible.
As always I ask for prayers and I will continue to pray for you.
Peace and blessings to you always and forever more,
In reading this article I hear my children Karl McNeill Jr. and Ka’miko McNeill screaming at me to stop waiting to take my pain medication. I also have heard the labels that are given to those who seek to relieve their pain in the E.R. and before I became a patient I contributed to the ignorance. The truth is, I as a chronic pain sufferer have difficulty taking my pain medication because I do not want to be a statistic. I need my pain meds because I suffer from not just one chronic illness, but three that are very debilitating. I would not function each day if not for the opiods prescribed for me. So to my children, I say thank you for being such wonderful caretakers. But also for just loving me.
My feelings are that, just so so. I ask myself, have I done all I can do? Things have not went as planned. I believe I have lost faith in the people of my state of Delaware. No matter how much I advocate for Sarcoidosis and its affects on its patient’s that battle it everyday, no one seems to care more than me. I guess because I am literally fighting for my life. Each year my body gets weaker and weaker as more areas of my body are attacked. Especially this year. So I ask people to help with the various tasks to get the word out and to get people registered for the 5k event this weekend coming. My count is menial. I receive updates daily from FSR and they never change. I have invited our States dignitaries and also my medical teams. Invites sent in every means available. No responses except from one, Senator John Carpenter. His team told me that he couldn’t make the event but he would make time for me as soon as everything settled down in D.C. I appreciated that. At least he took the time to reach out. Usually I received a proclamation by this time. None… I am so disappointed in my State. They turn out for cancer all the time. They just had a huge event for autism. I applaud both of those turn outs, but okay my cause matters as well and it is affecting hundreds of people of all ages and nationalities here in this State. We need support. Sarcoidosis is a rare disease that is unknown, incurable, debilitating, underfunded and sometimes deadly. So am I wrong for losing faith? Having invested monies that I don’t truly have to get the word out so that we Sarkies can get help raising awareness and hopefully acquiring donations towards finding a cure; disappointment and hurt is what I feel. Like no one cares if I lived or died.
The Might: Dealing With Anxiety and Depression by Stephanie Roberts
I have to admit that I sometimes share the exact emotions as the author Stephanie Roberts has shared in her article post on The Mighty.
I try to remain a positive person and know that God has me, but sometimes your mind begins to wonder and those what ifs come into existence. I thank God everyday for my family stepping up to the plate as my caretakers. It is an overwhelming tasks. Just like this author expresses about all of the specialists visits and the times when I thought that I could prepare dinner only to have them wondering what they were going to eat later. Many days and nights I lock myself in the bathroom and cry because I don’t want them to worry as much, but they do because I can’t hide anything from them. They know about my mannerisms when I try to mask the pain. They know… I feel so sad for my husband because in spite of his own very painful leg due to an injury and his own medical condition, he still helps me with my everyday situations. I love him to death. My baby girl Kimora-Lynn has never seen me a day or night without pain. I was diagnosed right after she was born almost 18 yrs. ago. She doesn’t express her emotions to anyone. If she does then it is like an explosion all at once. She holds everything in. Not good. I know. My two older children express their emotions through music. They are very talented lyricist, vocalist’s, producers and most importantly, multi-instrumentalist like their father. I am proud of them but they wear their emotions on their sleeve which can be dangerous. My son once argued with one of my old doctors because the doctor made a derogatory comment about my weight. I was on 60 mg of prednisone at the time. That was my last visit with that doctor. These are the things one deals with when you have both a very rare disease that is not known to almost all medical and human knowledge, it is more than most misdiagnosed, under funded federally and under researched. Most of the time I have to educate those who I go to for care about the symptoms and problems caused by Sarcoidosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia.
So this month is Sarcoidosis Awareness Month and I am advocating it to the fullest whenever I can. My hopes is that I can obtain at least a $500 donation goal towards a cure. Either through participation in my upcoming Team K.I.S.S. DE 5k 2017 Run/Walk for a cure or my Marilyn’s Fight for Life KICK Sarcoidosis Campaign’s fundraising page via the Foundation of Sarcoidosis Research. All monies go to funding for research and it’s tax deductible. I like to thank all those who have registered so far and also those who have hopes to register or just contribute. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So in conclusion I say to all of my Warrior’s, cry, blog, express any way you can about your emotions and what you are feeling truly and hopefully you will feel better in the long run.
My muscles are weakening and twitching all the time. I have been dropping things constantly. My muscles feel like they are in a sleep state. That feeling you get when your leg falls asleep after being in a certain position for a long time. That annoying ache that you can’t wait to subside so you can move on. Well that’s not happening. From my neck down, all the muscles are in that sleep state. I feel like crying all the time. When I walk my legs buckle from up under me causing me to fall all the time. I use a walker as it is because of two recent Lacunar strokes. I fear this Sarcoidosis has finally won after 17 1/2 years. HELP!!! Anyone else suffer with this? I made an appointment with my neurologist in two weeks. It’s just lasting to that appointment. HELP!!!