Feeling like my world’s coming to an end…

So it’s been a while since I checked in. Last time I was experiencing a major flare-up which turned out to be a combination of neurosarcoidosis and rheumatoid arthritis. Very, very painful and life threatening. After being told that there was really nothing that can be done for me anymore except to keep me comfortable, because my body is very sick; I prayed and asked the Most High to help me. I am still fighting on, but to be truthful, my body is tired.

I am not able to get the surgery to fix my spine. The pain and spine specialist stated that pain meds are what’s needed to keep me comfortable. And most recently, my Pulmonologist stated that it’s time for me to start the process for a lung transplant. I am scared y’all. All of my doctor’s are in agreement. When we told, my husband and I looked at each other in disbelief. My husbands first question was ab

I’ve left Facebook for good..

Just an update

No more Facebook for me. Slowly but sure I will eliminate all of my social media attachments. Mental health is very important.

Peace and blessings to you and your family

Loneliness SUCKS!!! (Battling a Chronic Illness)

(This is an experience that I thought I share that happened to me last night.) 12/9/2019

Depression is very scary and the most important thing to do, if you feel that this is you, is to seek professional help immediately.

Here, as I do everyday, alone. Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting away with no where to go and no one to share my true feelings with. It’s true that I live in the house with three other family members who I rely for everything. But even though this is true, everyone has their own agendas, their own lives to live. You see there are only a select group of Snowflakes, Spoonies and Warrior’s who understand exactly what we go through each and everyday and night of our lives. And believe you me, it is impossible to make others understand. This goes for immediate and extended family, friends, coworkers as well as the medical community.

My husband works three jobs to keep a roof over our heads and medical insurance to cover my medical care. It’s hard on me to watch him work so hard. He states, “I do it because I love you.” We’ve been together for 33 years and married for 31. Through our love we have three amazingly talented children: one son, two daughters and one beautiful daughter-in-law. I married very well, but it still hurts to see hime work so hard with very little sleep.

For twenty years I have been battling these debilitating diseases and I never once stated or felt that I was depressed. Lately though these feelings have began to surface. With my ability to function and the ability for my physician’s to treat me decreasing at a fast rate; I don’t know or understand how anyone could not feel this way.

I have tried to use my time wisely during the days by delving into studying biblical hebrew and loving my animals, Most of the time that’s not possible because I am so tired or in too much pain. I feel guilty toward The Most High that I let these emotions in. It feels like I am not placing my faith in him or myself for that matter. All those that know me, know that I have always keep my spirits up and prayed up so that I can help myself and help others who need an ear or a shoulder to cry on. Those that suffer with these invisible illnesses that are incurable, having very little research done to find a cure (because there is very little federal funding or help initiated towards it), as well as doctor’s and their medical communities who have little knowledge about them or even the correct way to treat them.

Much of last night I spent trying to remove those emotions from my system. You see, after going to a doctors visit and being told that another major flare up might be occurring or is active at the present, is overwhelming. This means a new regiment of testing and two infusions are in the works. I end up vented to my family and said some things that should have been left unsaid. My emotions were huge and on overdrive. My husband said that, “It was my medications caused my outburst.” My children stated that my reactions and my statements were crazy or wrong. Words were spoken towards me saying, “I never listened to them when I was trying to get my feelings out correctly.” I tried to get them to understand but nothing would come out right. I truly felt very crazy like I was losing my mind.

I wanted to actually stop being, but Yah stepped in and removed those thoughts and emotions from my spirit. I thank Yah for being omnipotent and gracious with me and granting me with an understanding family.

I let myself down last night because depression is not me. I have never let the Devil in my life because I trust the Most High to much. Always have.

I’ve had the best childhood growing up. Coming from a large family with nine siblings (2 brothers died young); 6 girls and 1 brother. I am next to the baby girl, a.k.a. #5 daughter. LOL 😁 Now my parents, grandparents, in-laws and some of my older siblings are all gone now and that is one of the causes for my loneliness. The youngest remain. The only son and the two youngest girls. Wanting to call them, talk to them, hug them and gain more wisdom from them are what I face all the time. My father instilled in me the moral law and the love of Yahuah and I will always treasure that.

I lost a huge part of my life in fighting these illnesses (Sarcoidosis, Fibromyalgia, Dystonia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, etc.) and the lost of my family. But the loneliness never equated depression. Knowing that death is just one part of life.

All in all, I will continue to fight because I have a lot of fightleft in me. But the overall reason for this post is to inform anyone that is in my position; you are not alone. If at anytime you feel like all hope is lost, reach out and talk to someone, meditate or pray, but mostly reach out and talk to someone.

Peace and blessings to you always and forevermore.

I am,

Marilyn

Chronic Flare-Up

I just wanted to share with you guys about the severe neuropathy flare that I’ve been experiencing for the last 2 1/2 months. So severe that I have seen three doctors just to get some answers and some relief for my whole body swelling to the point it seeped fluid.

My legs and feet were so hard that they didn’t even pit. My husband and I didn’t think it was fluid at first. It literally felt like I had fifty pound weights attached to each leg. I have to be assisted with everything including washing and eating. This pain is extreme. My hands were the worst. They literally have no feeling in them. Typing this is very painful but I had to share my experience. My hands felt like they have frostbite and they are on fire at the same time. Rubbing them didn’t help. The only relief was to submerge them into scalding hot water. This kept me up all night. Each joint was so painful that I couldn’t even hold a fork or cup. The main problem was trying to get the doctors to understand what I was explaining to them.
So the final diagnosis was both a rheumatoid arthritis and neuropathy flare at the same time. The treatment was to put me back on 10 mg of Prednisone again. I had been weaned off of Prednisone 5 weeks before after have taken it for 20 years for my Chronic Sarcoidosis. I was also prescribed Baclofen, which is a muscle relaxer for the severe spasms that started with the flare.

The swelling has receded some and my mobility is very strained because of the trauma to my body. The doctors have all stated that is all they can do because my body is too sick. This all to say, please keep me in your prayers.

Marilyn
Marilyn’s Fight For Life Sarcoidosis Advocate/Warrior

Marilynsfightforlife@live.com

After The Scare

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I really hate Sarcoidosis! This dis-ease has taken through many trials and tribulations over the last sixteen years. From being diagnosed in my lungs via a bronchioscopy and being scared to death each time I visited the doctor’s office thereafter. Every doctor asked if I was told how long I was told I was going to live to “you bet you should’ve never smoked.” The thing is, I never did. Next while participating in a clinical trial for a drug call Remicade back in 2001 at the University of Pennsylvania Hospital; Sarcoidosis attacked my sinuses. This resulted in three sinus surgeries and the loss of two of my senses; taste and smell. Later it has attacked my blood, bones, skin and eyes in no chronological order. Now, after an 11 day stint in the hospital after being admitted with congested heart failure and pneumonia, my blood pressures are hard to regulate. Went in with the first reading of 200/115. Scary as you know what. I was also told the my potassium and magnesium levels were dangerously depleted and I had to be admitted if I didn’t want to die. My family took it very hard and stayed with me after being admitted until 3 a.m. We cried, prayed and strategized because that’s what we do. I absolutely love my husband and children. So now what’s being said is that they believe that the Sarcoidosis is attacking my heart which is causing the irregularities in my blood pressures. I am on so many different meds for my blood pressure. One in particular, Hydralazine, causes severe headaches sometimes after I take it. So this brings me back to the title, after the scare of congested heart failure I am fighting for my life with a vengeance now. I want to live a long healthy life. My goal is to eventually get off of these meds and find a way to build my lungs back up to wean off of the continuous Oxygen. So all I ask is for prayers for a healthy recovery please.

As always, peace and blessings to you all. Until next time be healthy, happy and please support Sarcoidosis Awareness by donating via http://stopsarcoidosis.org.

Am I paranoid or what?

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Well here’s the problem, my baby girl has been running a low grade fever for the last couple of days with a headache. Her body aches too. Now not to long ago she was a passenger in a car that was involved in an accident. She was rushed to the emergency room and diagnosed with a mild concussion, neck sprain, bruised sternum and ribs. She stayed home for two days as instructed by the ER doctor and then returned to school. Her neck stayed stiff and sore. I am contacting the physical therapist tomorrow to get her started but I am wondering if she needs to go back to the doctor. Because I have been battling Sarcoidosis for sixteen years, I am paranoid about my children not recieving the testing to rule out them from being misdiagnosed like I was. Am I paranoid or just concerned? I just don’t want my children to hurt. Just the mommy in me I guess.

Until next time, peace and blessings to all and please be safe during this holiday season.

Marilyn

http://stopsarcoidosis.org/donate

http://gofundme.com/marilynsfight4life

A time of reflection…

Psalms 91:2

I will say of the Lord, he is my refuge and my fortress: my God, in him I will trust.