Woke up this morning after a very sleepless night feeling heavy. Muscle and joint pain with spasms caused me to require assistance from my husband to get dressed and downstairs. When asked what was going through my head I stated that I felt as a failure to be a mother, failure to be a wife, failure as a Sarcoidosis Advocate and now failure as an Acti-Lab Ambassador. Why, because my health is deterring me from living as I ought to be. My 50th birthday is this upcoming Friday, June 3rd. Where I wanted to be and where I am now is not as I expected. The problem is should I accept it or should I change it.
Two new masses found on my lungs, a breast cancer scare, Cardiac Sarcoidosis issues, NeuroSarcoidosis issues, Fibromyalgia flare, new doctor, multiple testing, new medication changes, medical insurance issues, etc… This is just been the last three months. This could make a person very stressed and it has. I watch my husband working himself to death just trying to make ends meet. He never asks for help and he never complains, but you can feel his spirit shift. I am scared for him.
The only way that I could help without sitting on the corner with a cup in my hand was to find something that I could do when I could do it. Something that is not so stressful that I would get overwhelmed. So I started my own business and it is, not for not trying my damnedest, getting off to a slow start. I thought that of those that are most important to me, would have been my first clients. Not happening. No, I cannot work in a normal setting due to my illness and knowing this I thought that support would have come fast and everyone would be happy that I am trying and that something has motivated me to strive to continue to fight. I understand that everyone has financial problems and I can relate, which I why I jumped into this venture. There is even opportunities for those that can to join me with trying to make some extra income.
Why am I stressing? I truly don’t know because I trust that God has a plan for me. Sorry for venting.